Opportunity...

The past year and a half I have had many struggles that made me wrestle with the meaning of life and the whys and whats???  Today, I was presented with an opportunity that at first I wasn't sure but then I thought "What a once in a lifetime opportunity!"  Before I reveal it, I am still in the discovery stage and working it out with my family.  However, I will say that I am honored that the person who asked me is someone who I like very much and have a ton of respect for.  This means this person trusts my ability.  I also am honored that the person that had the idea recommended me.  She is a person I feel that we are kindred spirits.  Don't ask why because I don't know.  Anyway, I am in the process of discussing it with my Doodle Bug and learning more about it. 

This made me think that it is true...all things happen for a reason.  I lost my job I loved last year and it literally broke my heart. I went from making $1000+ a month to making A LOT less.  My spirit was broken.  But today this made me think about what this has actually done for me.  Before Atticus died, I spent a lot of time with him.  I am able to go to Korea soon.  I may take this once in a lifetime opportunity.

So, before you are like me to say NO right off the bat, look at things as an opportunity and not as a problem....

Time flies when you are having fun.

Tomorrow is our 14th wedding anniversary.  Time flies when you are having fun!  So, I thought I would share 10 things I have learned from 14 years of marriage.
1) Be yourself.  If you are as lucky as I am, your spouse really does love you for you, no matter your flaws.
2) Learn how to be alone.  This sounds crazy.  My husband is often gone 9-10 months out of the year.  I have to be alone.  So, I try (and don't always succeed) to embrace that.
3) People shouldn't be able to have a $10,000+ wedding or any wedding until they have been married at least 5 years.  Why?  Really those are the years you figure out if you can be with that person forever!
4) Learn how to be self-supporting and how to call the mechanic, do 12 things at once, figure out how to get to work and get your car to the shop and somehow have time to ride your bicycle, etc, etc, I often say if I waited on a man to do something then I would be waiting til I was dead.  That sounds mean but it's not.  The more you are self-supporting and know how to do things, you will feel better and your significant other will feel better if they are called away. 
5) It's okay to love someone with your whole heart and just know that you are #1 in their life.  NO MATTER WHAT!  This is hard for me...sometimes I feel unimportant but my husband makes me feel like I am the most important thing in his life and every decision he makes is for us, not just him.
6) Get over the little stuff...when you are young and newly married, you often get all jacked up over stuff that doesn't really matter. 
7) It's okay to miss the way your husband/wife smells. Sometimes I will run across something that smells like my Doodle Bug and it is the best smell.
8) Love your in-laws.  These are the people who made your spouse who they are.  They, like you, only want the best for their child.  A lot of times, it has nothing to do with you.
9) Make sure your spouse always kiss you good night. I go to bed way earlier than my husband and every night he is here, he tucks me in and kisses me good night.  Even if you are mad at them, because that one kiss makes everything okay.  I even bought a sign that hangs close to my bed that says Kiss Me Good Night!
10) Despite popular opinion, walk away when you are mad.  This will benefit you and your spouse in many ways.  In our house, when we argue and walk away...our house is crazy clean.  Or I have rode my bicycle to China and back.   Really, I usually only stay really mad for an hour or so.  Then I am done with it.  So, embrace it, deal with it right away and move on.

Thanks for letting me share this.  Every marriage is different. I am thankful for having a husband who loves me for me.

Say what you need to say

Okay, if you didn't know this, John Mayer is absolutely my favorite artist.  I don't know if it is because he can play the s**t of a guitar or his lyrics. Probably the lyrics, I am lyric person and I think very deeply sometimes.  A therapist once told me that I carry others' baggage-whether I know them or not...anyhow, there is one song of John Mayer's I love but I don't listen to very often but tonight the vino won the battle between me and this song.  The song is Say.  If you saw the movie The Bucket List, you might understand.  Shortly before this was released, my Dad died from lung cancer and my mother warned me not to watch it but I did and somehow Jack Nicholson looked and acted like my Dad.  The details of that part of life are boring but would look good on Jerry Springer.  Say...it's hard to listen to because it says lots of things we don't want to hear.  So here it is in black and white...so please say what you need to say to those you love because you just never know.  We all hear that all the time.  But REALLY do it.  Trust me, you won't be sorry. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQtGqmi2O2U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tX4jBL29aic

Take all of your wasted honor,
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put 'em in quotations...

Walkin' like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moments
Knowin' you'd be better off instead
If You Could Only SAY what you need to say...

This is the hardest lyric for me because sometimes I can see my Dad's eyes closing even though I wasn't there and often my faith is broken...
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open, wide...

People!  Put the BS behind you because the person you care about the most might not be here tomorrow. If you have never had someone close to you die, you might not have any idea but those who have, they do know.  Don't waste one second. We all do it but really really really try to do better.  I will and I hope you will too.   Cause, "You better know that in the end, it's better to say too much then to never say what you need to say again."

You know how you say, we need to plan to get together again, but never do.

Today, my Mom sent me an email about one of her former co-workers, Ruffin.  He passed yesterday and she wrote me this today about him, "You know how you say, we need to plan to get together again, but never do."  Ruffin was a kind, gentle man in my mind and I think my parents are really sad about his passing.

So, this got me to thinking about what she said, "You know how you say, we need to plan to get together again, but never do."  When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend, John K., whose Mom passed while we were dating and this actually taught me a lot.  It taught me to always say I love you and get together when you should.  So, I have always tried to say I love you and get together when I could.  I have not always succeeded but I am human.  Today, we had a car wash and when I left I made Bob M. hug me and said "because you just never know"  and you don't.  So, hug the ones you love and get together with the folks you want to because you just never know.

What does this have to do with riding a bike?  Honestly, I don't know.  I can only think of saying we should ride and then don't and then what if something happened?  How would you feel?  So what if that person is faster, slower, etc, etc.  Life is short!  People are gone before you know it.  Maybe not just through death but moving or changing hobbies.  Who knows?  So, if you care about someone or want to ride, DO IT!!!!!!!!    You don't know and you might end up with regrets.  Don't do that. 

Besides the obvious, this thought makes me so sad.  My husband is active duty military.  While I am so proud of him for serving and giving up probably 5-7 years apart from his family (and people probably shooting at him), I know this means we will probably be moving within the year and this makes me so sad.  Sad because I have been blessed with lots of cycling friends that I may never see again.  Do they care? I hope so.  I care.  I have been inspired by lots of cycling friends that I may never say that to or see after I leave.  And like my Mom I say we will get together or stay in touch but I know that we probably won't.  Not out of some mean intention but life tends to get in the way.  Soon, we will have less memories of each other but then one day we will wish we shoulda, woulda, coulda and it's too late.   Don't do it folks.  Love the people you care about and do get together.  I am going to do my best to do that because it's important and I don't want to be a shoulda, woulda, coulda.  You don't do it either.  Life is short!

I believe in you.

My friend, Kathy, has breast cancer.  We have a long history together as she was pregnant with her son when my mom was pregnant with me.  So, it is safe to say she has known me my WHOLE life!  Kathy writes these wonderful letters and sends the best care packages and I have been fortunate enough to receive lots of them over many moons.  She and I went to every bar on a cruise boat one night on my mom's 50th birthday cruise!  She was at Ironman Florida.  This New Year's I was fortunate enough to spend time with her and Kenny in a beautiful place.  I am sure that my mother has told her many of my adventures.  She is probably one of the most wonderful people I have ever known.  She is kind, she is beautiful, she is always smiling and she is thoughtful.  When my Mom told me she had breast cancer, it was like one of my favorite aunts had been diagnosed.   We have had a lot of cancer over the years and the C word scares me to death.  My Dad died from lung cancer (quit smoking Folks!), my Mom had uterine cancer, my StepDad had prostate cancer, and although undiagnosed we think my Grandma had some type of cancer.  My friend, Alexa, had breast cancer and was still in remission when I met her years later.  My other friend, Ruth, had breast cancer when I worked with her at Holy Trinity.  To me, the thought of Kathy having breast cancer scared me to death.  Here is what I know...I know she is strong and she can do this.  However, I love to send cards so every so often I send her a card when I see a good one and today at Target, I saw one and it said:

I believe in mind over matter.

I believe in the human spirit to prevail.
I believe in miracles & blessings, both great & small.
I believe in possibilities.
I believe that hurdles in life are meant to be jumped over, not as something to stop us.
I believe in you.

This card about brought me to tears in the card aisle in Target.  Why?  (Well, I may have PMS) Because I do believe in all of these things and I do believe in Kathy.  Sometimes I wish someone would say that to me but I believe in Kathy and I just know all will be okay!  My Mom told me recently she was going through radiation and it wasn't going the best.  Radiation is poison.  Somehow it works but I don't know how a poison can work in your body.  I am sure I could Google it.  I remember meeting my Dad after he had radiation and it was not great.  I have been spared most of the bad stuff with cancer, I have seen a few hard times and I have no idea what that must be like.  But there are only a few people I know that are this strong and Kathy is one of them. 

But here is the point to you...I believe in you whoever you are and you should believe in yourself.  You can do whatever you set your mind to.  There will be hurdles but there will also be many miracles and blessings (big and small) and many possibilities.  Sometimes all you need to get to where ever you are going is for someone to believe in you. 

Wind is my frienemie!

Okay, I know it will be windy from March to May here.  It happens every year but I think I forget how much the wind can kick my booty.  Today, I rode with my cycling bud, Andrew, on his easy ride (notice I said his easy ride) and of course, I felt like we had a head wind on the way out.  The wind sometimes breaks your spirit and it did mine today.  But wind, like hills, are supposed to be our friends.  Sometimes they are and they make us stronger, etc, etc, etc. and they are your friend. But some days they just break you down and then they are your enemy.  So, that makes them our frienemies. 

The frienemie teaches us how to get through things we don't like and we are better on the other side of them.  But gosh, sometimes it hurts to go through them. So, I pushed through the wind and it wasn't easy but I know come summer time I will be thankful. 

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."

Every week I watch Hoarders and this actually makes me clean my house like a crazy person.  Hope I never get into a marathon... One result of this is that I keep several binders of articles I plan to use later.  So, this week when I was going through my articles to file, I found this quote, "There is more to life than increasing its speed." Mahatma Gandhi

Gosh, ain't that the truth?  We are always so busy trying to speed through life that I think we often lose sight of the true purpose of life.  We lose sight of what is really important. 

Recently, on several group bike rides, this has happened.  People want to speed through the ride to get done or go here or there...the heck with everyone else.  Now, I know some people can fly through a ride with no extra effort and I know some people can ride to China and back with little effort.  And maybe that is important to those people and that is fantastic.  But it is not important to all members of the group...there are some cyclists that ride their bikes to be social, to exercise and to have fun.  Now, this is only my opinion and really that and $4 can get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks...what is really and truly important to me are people that I care about and want to share the thing I love with.  Realistically, I know this is not important to everyone. 

As a spouse of a fella who spends 9-10 months out of the year somewhere else, I can tell you, without one iota of a doubt, that the seconds you spend with any person you care about are valuable.  We don't want to speed through it.  There is more to life than increasing its speed.  Trust me when I tell you that I would not speed through one second of the time I spend with the Doodle Bug.  And when he is gone, those are the seconds I wish I would have relished more.  I don't want to increase the speed of that because I want to enjoy the more part of this quote.

So, you think...REALLY???  These are just some people I ride with!  Really...These are people you spend the majority of your free time with.  These are the people who can truly understand your passion.  These are the people who will help you when you need it.  Now, are these people more important than your family?  I sure hope not!  But they are people who enjoy the same passion you have and the time you have with them should not be sped through.

Sure, I know people will argue this point and maybe they are right. What do I know? Everyone's idea of important things differs. Here is what I think and agree with Gandhi, "There is more to life than increasing its speed."


In reality, I know we all have different goals.  That is fantastic!  Go for them!  But don't forget about what is truly important and what not to speed through.  What is important to you?  Write it down and put it somewhere that will remind you of the important stuff and what not to speed through.

Forgiveness…

In my life, I have made a lot of mistakes that I truly regret. TD Jakes once said on unforgiveness…you can forgive someone but you don’t have to be their best friend. Hmmmm…does this mean you can ask for forgiveness and not have to be someone’s best friend? If you haven’t figured this out by now, I might try to act tough but most people really know I have a tender heart and I take things personally, get my feelings hurt easily and I do think about things I have done wrong to someone or something and make myself nuts about them. There are lots of mistakes I have made in my life that I am truly sorry for. Some I don’t care if the person knows that and some I do care if they know. Mistakes…everyone makes them and they hurt others (even if unintentionally). Without going into detail, I have let some people down and I am sorry. I don’t know how to approach that with these people but gosh, I sure hope they know that I know I made mistakes and I am truly sorry. You can never go back to where you were before but you can forgive. This is a difficult concept.

So, what does this have to do with riding your bicycle? Well…sometimes life is like riding a bicycle. You start out with a group and you work really hard to stay with this group. But you make some mistake and you lose the group or leave someone out there alone that doesn’t know their way. If you are still with the group and left someone out there alone that doesn’t know their way, that’s a mistake because that person trusted you. If you lose the group and have to find your way on your own and get lost, then that’s a problem too. What do you do in either situation? Hard to tell but in your heart you know the right thing and you have forgive that person and YOURSELF! At the end of the ride, did you leave feeling crappy or good? Now, some people don’t get it and never will. But most of us do get it. I have done both…made a mistake and lost the group AND left someone out there. For those things I am truly sorry.

Here is the positive to take away from that…we all make mistakes (I make them every single day). You have to forgive your own mistakes and the mistakes of others. Each mistake teaches you something – good or bad. Take the lesson. Sounds cliché, I know but oh, so true. Most importantly, know you made a mistake and apologize even if it is eons later. This takes a huge burden off you even if the person hates you forever. You did what you could and at the end of the day, sometimes that is really all you can do. One more thing, and listen to me here, forgive yourself. We are all human. If no one ever made a mistake, think of how boring things would be or how we would never know hard times to appreciate the good ones.

To the people I have wronged, I am sorry. I am sure whatever and whoever it is I could come up with a laundry list of excuses but all that matters is that I am sorry I hurt you and I will try to never lose the group or leave you out there alone again.

Last thing here…my Dad died 5 years ago April 2. The last time I saw him I was so mad at him but I will tell you that the one thing I take comfort in is that the very last thing I said to him (even if my anger) is I love you. I also wrote him a letter that I actually had to pay for with others but I will tell you that I am glad I said I love you and that I wrote that letter. I will also tell you that my sister later told me that my Dad said “I know she loves me” and I never doubted that he loved me. And that, my friends, is the greatest gift you can give others and yourself, know that you love and that you are loved. And Forgive…other people and yourself. Don’t lose your group or leave anyone out there alone.

Atticus

Honestly, I have put off posting on this blog because I wasn't sure if I could cry any more...I felt I might be all cried out.  On the evening of March 1, 2011, Atticus died.  His little heart just gave out, I think.  He was 16 years old.  This year I will be married for 14 years but for the better part of the past 9 years, I have spent more time with my cat than my husband.  Atticus was the best cat ever.  He snuggled, he knew when I was sad, mad, or whatever. He knew when I drank too much wine and cried because someone broke my heart.  Atticus and Matt would watch TV from 9 am to 2 am and be perfectly happy.  Atticus would come down when he heard the garage door open, when you opened a can, and when the saucers clanked. Still, I wait for him to come out. 

Atticus had a heart arythmia that was diagnosed several years ago.  The past 4-5 weeks he just wasn't himself.  I took him to the vet and we tried all sorts of medications, vitamins and different dosages.  Finally, he had a grand mal seizure and his little heart just couldn't go on.  My heart is broken into a million pieces.  I wept for many hours so much so that I am not sure if I have any more tears.  Now some folks say it's just a cat and maybe to you, it is just a cat.  I have no children and my husband is gone a lot.  Atticus was our kid.  He was always here and loved me despite or maybe in spite of my flaws. 

While my heart is broken, I know Atticus went peacefully and I was there.  I think of the line in Steel Magnolias, "M'Lynn: I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life." 

Now, I know this isn't as drastic but that's how I felt after I got past the weeping, I was there when he went, I wasn't there when he came in but I was there when he drifted out.  It was peaceful, the seizure had stopped, no noise, no tremble...just peace.  I petted him and petted him and told him we loved him and it was okay for him to go.  Since then, I had shoulda, woulda, coulda moments every minute but I do know that there was peace for Atticus.  No sickness, no pain, no missed heart beat, just peace.

I have rationalized it to death...how it would be selfish of me, how I did the right thing, how I know he is with Lizzy, Scout, and Red...etc, etc, etc.  Finally, I went online and found out that I am not crazy for missing my cat who has been with me for 16 years.  I am human and it will get easier.

Do I miss him?  Only every millisecond of every second of the hour of the day. 

Spinning Pop & Latin Mix

Okay, I love to teach spinning and I am from Texas.  I have been blessed to teach a few more classes this month and this will be one next week (if you are in my class, it's a preview).  So, I have been working on a Pop/Latin Mix for a few weeks and haven't quite nailed until tonight...and yes, thanks to AI and J.Lo, I was inspired to finish it.  Plus March 2 was Texas Independence Day from Mexico and May 5 is Cinco De Mayo!  I think it is pretty good for a little white girl who knows nothing about Latin...whatcha think?

Pop & Latin Mix

1. Dreaming of You by Selena
2. The Cup of Life by Ricky Martin
3. Conga by Miami Sound Machine
4. Not Myself Tonight by Christina Aguilera
5. Let’s Get Loud by Jennifer Lopez
6. I Need to Know by Marc Anthony
7. Hips Don’t Lie by Shakira
8. Livin’ La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin
9. Rhythm is Gonna Get You by Gloria Estefan
10. On the Floor by Jennifer Lopez with Pitbull
11. Hero by Enrique Iglesias