Atticus

Honestly, I have put off posting on this blog because I wasn't sure if I could cry any more...I felt I might be all cried out.  On the evening of March 1, 2011, Atticus died.  His little heart just gave out, I think.  He was 16 years old.  This year I will be married for 14 years but for the better part of the past 9 years, I have spent more time with my cat than my husband.  Atticus was the best cat ever.  He snuggled, he knew when I was sad, mad, or whatever. He knew when I drank too much wine and cried because someone broke my heart.  Atticus and Matt would watch TV from 9 am to 2 am and be perfectly happy.  Atticus would come down when he heard the garage door open, when you opened a can, and when the saucers clanked. Still, I wait for him to come out. 

Atticus had a heart arythmia that was diagnosed several years ago.  The past 4-5 weeks he just wasn't himself.  I took him to the vet and we tried all sorts of medications, vitamins and different dosages.  Finally, he had a grand mal seizure and his little heart just couldn't go on.  My heart is broken into a million pieces.  I wept for many hours so much so that I am not sure if I have any more tears.  Now some folks say it's just a cat and maybe to you, it is just a cat.  I have no children and my husband is gone a lot.  Atticus was our kid.  He was always here and loved me despite or maybe in spite of my flaws. 

While my heart is broken, I know Atticus went peacefully and I was there.  I think of the line in Steel Magnolias, "M'Lynn: I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life." 

Now, I know this isn't as drastic but that's how I felt after I got past the weeping, I was there when he went, I wasn't there when he came in but I was there when he drifted out.  It was peaceful, the seizure had stopped, no noise, no tremble...just peace.  I petted him and petted him and told him we loved him and it was okay for him to go.  Since then, I had shoulda, woulda, coulda moments every minute but I do know that there was peace for Atticus.  No sickness, no pain, no missed heart beat, just peace.

I have rationalized it to death...how it would be selfish of me, how I did the right thing, how I know he is with Lizzy, Scout, and Red...etc, etc, etc.  Finally, I went online and found out that I am not crazy for missing my cat who has been with me for 16 years.  I am human and it will get easier.

Do I miss him?  Only every millisecond of every second of the hour of the day.